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“What am I thinking?” I ask my 7-year-old daughter Lauren.
“You love me,” she smiles.
“Now what am I thinking?” I tease.
“You love me lots and lots,” she laughs.
“How did you get so clever?” I reply with a big squeeze.
Lauren and I have had this little ritual for quite some time now and it never fails to make us both stop what we are doing and have a cuddle and a kiss.
For the first five years of Lauren’s life, Lauren had been an only child and had a lot of quality time from both her parents. When I fell pregnant with twins I was concerned as to how well Lauren would adjust to the new additions to our family.
A couple of months before the twins were born Lauren and I made a list of things she wanted us to do as a family and boy was it an action-packed list! From that point on our weekends were filled with going to the play park, swimming (with Daddy, I daren’t get into a swimming costume and show off my hairy legs that I had not been able to shave for the last month or so!), watching ‘Brother Bear’ at the cinema (where I was the only one who cried and yes I’m blaming my hormones for that) and going to the amusement park at the beach.
The day before I went into the hospital, I asked Lauren if she would help me choose a picture of us together so I could have it beside my bed. “But why do you want a photo of me, Mummy?”
“Because whilst I’m in the hospital and you’re at school or home, I can look at your photo, and then it will feel like you are with me,” I smile.
Lauren thought about this for a moment before looking at me with sad eyes, “But I don’t want you to go”
I pulled Lauren into my arms, “Close your eyes. Now, remember this hug and how it makes you feel. Every time you feel a little sad or lonely and I can’t be with you, all you have to do is close your eyes and imagine me holding you tight. Never forget that you’re loved, you’re wanted and you are very special to me.”
I was admitted into the hospital the next day and had to have an emergency caesarean. My husband went home that evening promising to get Lauren to phone as soon as she woke up. At 6:45 am the next morning the nurse brought the phone to me.
“What did we have Mummy?”
“You have two brothers, Matthew and Sam”
Lauren was quiet for a few seconds then said “Mummy it worked.”
“What worked Lauren?”
“Well, when I was at school yesterday I started to cry because I missed you. Then I remembered what you said and I closed my eyes and I could feel you hugging me”
Matthew and Sam are two years old now and they adore their big sister, Lauren has after all played a very big part in their lives. The three of them have a special bond that doesn’t seem to allow for any jealousy, only mutual love, and respect for one another.
“Lauren,” I call from the kitchen, “what am I thinking…”
“You love me,” she laughs.
“And what do you need to remember?”
“I’m loved, I’m wanted and I’m very special.”
2022 Update
I wrote this article 15 years ago and it feels like only yesterday I was having this conversation with my daughter.
A few things have changed since writing this. Our family dynamic took a different path but we grow stronger as individuals and as a foursome. There is still love and respect and a healthy dose of competitiveness between the boys.
Lauren is now 23 and Matthew and Sam are18 years old and I am happy to report that even today when I call their name and say, “What am I thinking?” each of them will smile and say “I’m loved, I’m wanted and I’m very special.”
#separationanxiety #children #talking #hugging #activelistening #love #kindness #compassion #joyandpurposecoaching
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