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Ask any mother and I am sure most will be able to recall at least one occasion when they had wished the floor had just opened up and swallowed them whole!
During your pregnancy you will come to realise Mother Nature has one warped sense of humour and gets the greatest pleasure out of making you feel like life’s personal court jester!
No one can argue that pregnancy and child birth are two of the most remarkable experiences you will ever encounter and the changes your body goes through is nothing short of a miracle.
But there is another side to pregnancy that can make you laugh, cry and cringe with embarrassment.
Here are some examples of your body having the last laugh!
Brain power – or lack of!
As your baby grows it will feel as if your brain is shrinking. All of a sudden, strange things will start to happen, like being unable to find things where you last put them or remembering your pin number you’ve had for the last 5 years and walking into a room and thinking, ‘why have I just come in here?’
Along with memory loss, which will result in you writing ‘to do lists’ everyday – you swear now that you’ll never do it, but you will – the ability to retain new information for more than a nanosecond will kick in during your third trimester.
Happy, sad, angry, happy, sad, angry.
Some mothers compare their mood swings during their pregnancy to 9 months of really bad PMT. This is not only a particularly difficult time for the mother-to-be but for everyone around them as well, especially the husbands.
One minute you will find yourself happily plodding along, contented with the world around you and eagerly planning the birth of your unborn child when, WHAM, all of a sudden, you’ve morphed into this hysterical She-Devil!
Out of nowhere you will find fault with your appearance, the changes your body is going through and become extremely irritated by the fact that your husband doesn’t have sore breasts, need to go to the toilet every 5 minutes, can hold a conversation without going brain dead half way through or have the misfortune of feeling like his nether regions resemble a baboon’s back side!
During this time, you will find yourself apologizing on a regular basis to your husband for your little and irrational outbursts for many months to come. Saying that, your husband can help somewhat in this matter simply by not taking what you say too seriously and allowing you to have a cooling down period before discussing your emotional flare-up.
Comments from your husband like’ You don’t really hate me darling, it’s just your hormones talking’ may not be the best way though.
I think I’ve just sprung a leak!
You’ve all heard the saying ‘I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself,’ well this embarrassing mishap can happen to you at any time and it doesn’t even have to be funny. A sneeze, cough or someone making you jump could bring this on.
I’ll never forget the time my heavily pregnant friend and I were standing in a queue when she let out a very dainty sneeze. Immediately afterwards she turned to me with a look of horror and whispered “Oh, my God, I think I’ve just wet myself!” We both burst out laughing, making the situation much worse for my poor friend as she stood there crossing her legs with tears running down her face.
Needless to say, we made a quick getaway to the nearest toilet, with me walking behind her. Thankfully my friend, who shall remain nameless, had a long-patterned skirt on and was saved from further embarrassment. From that day on right up until her baby was a couple of weeks old she took up the habit of wearing a thin sanitary towel whenever she went out in public!
What on earth has happened to my breasts!
Further along your pregnancy the larger your breast will become – great news for all us flatter chested women – but alas along with a fuller bosom there are a few unwanted changes.
Not only will your nipples change shape, size and colour, the areola will take on a Braille like texture (these ‘goose bumps’ are oil producing glands and have always been there but become more pronounced as your breasts get bigger).
You may also find your breasts become unbelievably itchy, as will your ever-expanding tummy, and large, dark veins may appear, decorating each breast like an intricate city road map.
Leaky nipples are very common, especially after the birth of your child, but it is not unusual to have a yellowish discharge (colostrum) in the latter stages of your pregnancy.
Breast pad will stop any leakage seeping through from your bra to your blouse and can be easily purchased from Mothercare, Babyshop or your local chemist. Washable cotton breast pads tend to be more comfortable and economical compared to the cheaper disposable ones which have a plastic backing that makes your breasts sweat and leaves cotton fibers stuck to your nipples!
Where has all this hair come from!
If you weren’t a hairy person before you fell pregnant you may be in for a surprise! One unsuspecting day you’ll step into the shower to wash your hair only to find the plug hole clogged up with your golden (or brunette) locks, your nipples will have sprouted fine strands of hair overnight and those lovely smooth legs will resemble the Amazon rain forest!
One thing you must never do is shave your breasts! Otherwise, the hair will appear to grow back thicker and darker and all that will be missing is an open shirt to your waist and a medallion!
As for your legs, well you could get them waxed on a regular basis or start to wear long skirts or leggings. The likelihood is you’ll end up opting for the latter the nearer you approach your due date.
Well excuse me!
Gastric reflux is very common in pregnancy, especially in the later stages. That horrible burning sensation you get when you belch, particularly after a meal, can catch you off guard at the best of times. For some unknown reason your body always seems to produce the loudest, most heart wrenching burp just as you are about to order a cup of coffee from the poor unsuspecting waiter standing next to you, drawing attention to yourself from the crowded coffee shop!
Bending over, even slightly, can have terrible repercussions, especially in a public place and it will be totally out of your control. Once again, the buildup of gases in your tummy have to escape somehow and this tends to happen just as you are getting into a car, going to sit down in a chair or as you go to pick up your handbag and thank your host for a lovely evening!
Even more horrifying is that even if the people around you (or the one’s on the other side of the room for that matter) didn’t hear you the chances are they will quite possibly have smelt it!
Make your apologies known and get out of there as quickly as possible before the paint starts to peel off the walls!!
A word of friendly advice, if you plan on doing yoga classes during your pregnancy and you suffer from this condition make sure you are at the back of the room, with nobody behind you, or go on to YouTube and do it in the comfort of your home.
Sweet dreams
Many women admit to having vivid dreams during their pregnancy. An assortment of nightmares is common ranging from something being wrong with your baby, your husband having an affair (or leaving you) or you not being able to cope once the baby arrives.
On the other hand, you may have beautiful dreams of you holding your newborn baby, a lavish baby shower being thrown in your honour, or simply enjoying a family day out at the beach with your baby gurgling happily in your arms.
Sexual dreams are also very common. You may find yourself having an affair with some exotic stranger, enjoying a romantic encounter with your husband in the middle of a supermarket or envision a wild, fun filled evening with Hugh Jackman (oops hang on, that’s my one!).
Feeling anxious or guilty after such dreams is normal but keep things in perspective. So don’t take these dreams too seriously after all it’s only a dream.
And there’s more…
Bleeding gums, nose bleeds, constipation, strange food cravings, sciatica (which always strikes as you are trying to walk serenely across a crowded room), loud vomiting, weird noises during sex and the ability to shed a thousand tears every time you see a documentary on a war-torn country or a woman giving birth, are all natural and common.
All these experiences, no matter how mortifying they may seem at the time, bring women closer together. Most women would have experienced some of these embarrassing moments at some time, whether they want to admit it or not, so don’t feel you are alone or unusual.
One thing I can promise you is the moment you look in to your beautiful newborn baby’s eyes all those cringeworthy and humiliating moments will be pushed back into the deepest, darkest recesses of your mind. One day you may even be able to have a good laugh about the way your body went AWOL over a cup of coffee with your friends!
After all there aren’t many occasions in life when you can get away with such un-lady- like behaviour, so relax and enjoy this time in your life and play that pregnancy card to the max.
“A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten and the future worth living for.”
– Author Unknown
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